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This web site was primarily created to explain Why Doctors Can't Prescribe the Better Medicine. The rest of the web site, such as this page, are interesting, but nowhere near as valuable as my information on alternative cancer treatments and simple prevention.
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You meet a wonderful person and fall in love. Whenever you think of this person, you are ecstatic. You get married and a few years later learn that sharing the same space requires a bit of work. Your thoughts of each other are no longer a source of wonder, but are still warm. Your romance has lost some of its power, but it is surviving. You know that your next few decisions will strongly affect the romance that is left. It is time to think about having children.
What determines your happiness more than:
The answer: the decision to have children.
Thinking about having children assures your happiness. Unfortunately, most people spend more time thinking about what car to buy than on how they will spend their not-at-work time for the next 20 years. The common practice of waiting before having children is no substitute for organized thinking on the subject. Use this web page to help you consider all the different aspects of child rearing. Think about how large your financial, emotional, energy, and time investment will be. Realize that no matter how strong your marriage, you must be prepared to raise the child by yourself (think about this more than anything else). Then think about the health uncertainty of your possible child and the life threatening risks kids take. It's like, it's like...
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This is not an over-population web site. The effect of our population is well documented in other web sites and should be common knowledge.
Why The Decision is So Easy to Make Incorrectly
If you decide to purchase an SUV, but later realize that SUVs are unstable and guzzle gas, you can sell it and buy a different vehicle. If you decide on the wrong career, you can return to school and make a career change. Almost all the decisions we make can be undone if things don't work out. Throughout our youth this flexibility effects our decision making process. However, once you have a child, you must continue to dedicate almost all your non-working-time to this person no matter how unnoticed your efforts. There is no flexibility. There is no return to a carefree life. When child rearing is over, will that young person apply the wisdom you tried to give him or her to take care of themselves and not put to risk all of your hours and hours of work and sacrifice?
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You must have humor to have children. A lot of humor. So twelve "Child Prep" procedures are spread out through this web page to help you see the funny side and practice every day tasks that will become your life if you decide to have children.
Child Prep #1. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: Buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the tentacles hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
There is an old idea that having children is an absolute good. It is easy to uncover the fallacy of that commonly held belief. Adding people to society has very little effect on the quality of life experienced in that society. Adding people to society puts a strain on:
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Child Prep #2. Get completely ready to go out. Then, wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to minutely inspect every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.
Before considering why you want children ask some wannabe parents why they want children. I do this whenever a woman acquaintance tells me she is pregnant. The replies have been fairly consistent. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: So why do you want a child?She: Oh, I just want one.
Me: Yes, but why do you want one?
She: To contribute. Or: To make a positive difference in the world. Or: To give back something to society.
All three of those last answers are the wrong reasons to have children. Unless you produce a child who managers to reduce the suffering of humanity or some other significant contribution, having a child does the opposite of those three things.
Child Prep #3 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacists to help themselves. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
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If you count your friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, you probably know a hundred people. Out of that one hundred, how many make a significant contribution to society? Think about how many thousands of hours of child rearing that went into raising that group of people. Now think about the effect of taking one quarter of those hours and spending them on youth programs.
Youth programs, even to the limited extent they occur, have proven to significantly reduce the number of youth that take to a life of crime. Have you even been burglarized or known someone who was burglarized? That feeling of violation is usually so strong that people are more damaged by the emotional pain than by the financial loss. Do you think that greatly reducing the number of people that experience such pain would count as a significant contribution to society? For a quarter of the effort of rearing one child, you could remove such pain from the experiences of many people by doing volunteer work with children who might otherwise grow up to live a life of crime. Performing that type of volunteer work makes a very positive effect on society.
To recall the common effects of having children, read the Common Beliefs section above.
Child Prep #4. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
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| When I ask an expecting parent why they want a child, the tone and facial expressions tell the real story. If you could sit on my shoulder during a few of these question sessions you would soon realize that the child expecting parent is making up the answers as they speak. They know they want to have a child, but they don't really know why. This happens because people rarely ask themselves WWWWWW, they just know they want it. Since having a child is "the natural thing to do" the wanting of expectant parents goes unchallenged. Thankfully there are people like you who want to think about such a non-reversible decision.
Child Prep #5 Find a couple who are already parents. Observe them for one evening. Then comment on their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, this will be the last time in your life that you have any clue about child rearing. |  |
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Nobody admits to themselves that they are having children because everybody else has children. People would and do make up other reasons so they don't have to admit to being this shallow. So how do you know that this is not part of your motivation? You can't, but you can see if you have alternatives. Ask yourself what constructive thing are you willing and able to do with your life. If you can't come up with some answers then it is very likely that you want children because it is what other people do. You are an individual. Why are you following the crowd and creating more need when there are so many needs out there that are not being met? Think harder on a real life of contribution.
Besides having children because you haven't figured out what to do with your life and because everyone else is having them are not the strongest reasons. They are just the reasons you will not admit to. The strongest reason why people want to have children is biology. We are animals programmed to want to reproduce. When I ask people why they want to have a baby, nobody ever mentions this reason because it isn't a good reason to make such a non-reversible decision. Considering how significant biology is on one's desire to procreate, it becomes clear that most people never think about why they want a child. Do you really want biology to dictate how you spend your hard earned spare time and money?
Child Prep #6. Forget the BMW and buy a Toris. Don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a grease gun. Shoot some in the cassette player. Take three peeled bananas. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
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Does giving up almost all the freedoms in your adult life justify the rewards of creating a son or daughter? Most parents say yes, but they had to convince themselves of that or admit that they blew the most significant decision of their lives. Often the ends justify the means, if the ends are required. But, this planet does not need more people. Since the ends are not necessities then, you better think about all the work your decision will bring you. You must ask yourself if you really want to experience the following in order to obtain the questionable joys of parenthood:
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There is only one good reason to have children - loving to do the vast majority of the things required of parents. Sure there are some things nobody is going to like, for example, changing diapers. But, if you are the kind of person who feels fulfilled getting up out of bed in the middle of the night to comfort an upset child and performing countless menial tasks for the semi-aware, then you and only you should seriously consider child rearing.
Everyone else seeking fulfillment, please help society with the myriad of difficult problems that already exist. You are needed there. To turn your back on these problems so you can satisfy your biological urges is not contributing in the slightest.
Child Prep #7. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear marmalade onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Ask yourself, how does that look?
As you examine the reasons below, consider this:
The tremendous effort people perform to raise one or two children could be used to save many troubled children who already exist.
If you keep the above in mind, I think you will see that the following are poor reasons indeed.
A friend of mine whose last name is Williams actually said this to me. He didn't have a good answer, so he went for humor. Seriously, I have heard this answer often, but nobody has been able to explain why this name thing is important other than "it just is." In other words, they don't have any idea. Is carrying on a family name of value or even any interest to anyone not in the family? No. Does it help anybody? No. Does it improve anything? No. What motivation is left? Ego?
Child Prep #8. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy corn flakes and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the corn flakes are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
If a person is really concerned with the future of the planet they need to ask themselves a few questions:
If you took the money that it costs to raise an average child in an industrialized country and donated it to feed hungry children, you could say the lives of at least 100 of these starving children.
Child Prep #9. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a bag of water weighing approximately 12 lb. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
You can never tell how your children will turn out. They might look like this:
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Everyone likes to play with children, but how do you know if you have the temperament to unbegrudgingly accept the demands and frustrations of child raising?
What kind of temperament do you need to be happiest and most successful as a parent?
Although the needs of a child are fairly clear and any decent parent is likely to supply those needs, the needs are endless. Therefore, only a truly generous person can continually supply those needs in a loving manner. It seems that children are more aware than most parents give them credit. When a parent resents the filling a child's need, the child knows it.
Do you remember people from your childhood? Do you remember the people you really liked who were not in your family? Children do not judge integrity or dependability right away; that can take a long time and considerable interaction. Children like someone based on their personality. Children make up their minds very quickly about a person. What I have noticed is that people who have very sweet personalities are instantly liked by children. Even the children of such sweet people like them and listen to them. Do children instantly like you? Do children do what you ask them to do even if they don't know you?
Everyone recognizes the need for consistency in child rearing, but most people don't realize how many things are needed in order to be consistent. Consistency requires:
Children are brilliant at learning how to get what they want when it is something you don't want them to have. They have little else to do than to figure out how to accomplish this. They can wear down rock. You must be a diamond. Have you noticed in your current life that you stick to your guns no matter what?
This is the counter balance to firmness. Can you understand what it is like to be the age of your child and want something badly? Is the child claiming to want something just to get yur attention and interact with you.
So to put it simply, a calm, generous, loving, courageous, and easily likable person is most likely to be a successful parent.
Feeling fulfilled and worthy of the good life we have been given (if we have been so blessed) is not easy. Our spirits require numerous things to feel fulfilled. Chief among them is to create. We all have a need to create something physical every day. This need almost always unrecognized in our busy lives. I have been blessed with a simple life full of time to reflect and create. Almost every day I wake up and go into my shop the first thing. I am not too concerned with what I build, but I know I need to make something to satisfy my creative needs. I do it first thing so I don't get too busy and forget. Sometimes it is as simple as a new strap for my dog harness, but it satisfies that need. This is just an example of the needs we have that we are often unaware of. Unsatified needs lead to a feeling of emptiness that a woman believes would be eliminated if she had a baby. She is right. After a baby, she will be too distracted and overworked to notice this emptiness.
You must be willing to accept that having children will reduce your ability to achieve other things and reduce your life expectancy by about ten years and remove romance from your relationship (a study of 2,000 women).
The upside of child rearing is very personal. You must list the things to be gained by bringing more people into the world. Do it now, write down what makes this a good thing.
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Many people overlook the dynamic behind a parent's attitude and just accept that children must be very important. But, consider this. When a person must spend many wakeful hours working to respond to a need that they cannot turn away from, that person must perceive that job as a great thing or they will feel tremendously oppressed. A person with a good instinct for preserving their sanity will look for any and all rewards they can possibly convince themselves of. They will become evangelists and tell other people how wonderful those rewards are if only to convince themselves.
They may do this in a attempt to convince themselves that their lives are full of meaning. When in the end the only result is the creation of another person who searches for value as they consume more resources.
Child Prep #. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree decoration. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty box of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playground committee.
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It is a rare person that can recognize the needs of his or her spirit and respond to them instead of respond to the desires of their ego. Most of the great achievers in spiritual development avoid family life. In the extreme, they live completely isolated in some cave in the mountains. What do they know? One thing is usually known to these spiritual masters, they have decided upon a view of life and after life. That view allows them to make life decisions based on a working model. Making decisions based on desires of ego or current trends insures a life of confused goals. Lay the ground work now; establish your beliefs and values based on exploration and reflection not simply on the religion that surrounds you. At least read one book on reincarnation because that subject has the most influence on life decisions.
What is the purpose of life? If you can’t some up with at least one answer to that question at this time in your life, you may not have a choice later. After having children, your sanity will demand that your answer be, "to raise children." Do you want to drastically reduce your freedom of choice before you have figured out at least one answer to the purpose of life other than the one you will be forced to cling to?
If you are going to have children, you must be very clear on the value of life, the purpose it serves. If you don't do this you run the risk justifying thousands of hours of menial labor with a shaky framework. The shaky nature of that framework will assault your sanity everyday.
Don’t get caught in the trend of say "I don’t know." It is true that few things can be known with certainty, but you can develop the best possible theory based on your values. Your values are the essence of who you are. You will then make decisions based on who you are, not on the trends that influence our ego based desires. To help identify your values, consider reading the other link on my Phlio page the Journe.
Child Prep #. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
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The average cot of raising a child in the USA starting in 2007 is about $350,000 including only $12,000 for public college. How much good, fun, and learning could you generate with that kind of money?
It is one thing to pay out the hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise a child, but some people think this pay-out should stop when the children are in their early twenties. Think again. Of 1,000 parents questioned for the British Coming of Wage report of 2007 by saving specialists the Children's Mutual, just 5% said they expected to stop funding their children when the children left home. The other 95% believe they will support their children well into adulthood. Many parents neglect their pensions, raid their savings, and even remortgage their house to give children a helping hand. They also give up travel and other major purchases which they had planned as an indulgence once their children left home.
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Ask this question of a few expectant parents:
Why do you want to have children?
The couples that will suffer the most in the coming twenty years will answer that question like this:
Because we want them.
If you do not have at least three better reasons than that, you are in for many bone weary days and frantic justifications for a life of sacrifice.
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Add your thoughts to this list (come on you have to do something other than read although your industry to get to this point is most commendable):
* Birthdays are an excellent example of trendy non-thinking. A mother spends nine months in discomfort, risks her life through hours of tremendous pain. We congratulate the baby who didn’t make any extraordinary accomplishment on that day. Fifty years latter we are still congratulating them. If you want to make a special person feel really special, through them a party for no reason other than the fact that you and your friends think that they are so special that they deserved a party just to let them know how much everybody loves them. Since no one else gets such parties, you figured that you would be able to get your point across real clear. I have done this and the joy it generated was monumental.
Would you be happy if you:
All these things are available only to people who have time to work where their efforts are needed. These are not things parents have time for. Parents have created a need that must be fulfilled. They don't have time for the needs that already existed, they have created more need and if they are to consider themselves responsible, they already have their work. The above things are easier to accomplish for some else's kids because kids have heard too many do's and don't do's from their parents. That struggle will continue unto their 20s.
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But don't worry, it doesn't get much worse than this short movie. |
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Child Prep 12, The Summary. Realize that after having children, nothing in the first eleven simple steps above will ever again hold any humor for you. They will be you.
Perceived value and ego are strong motivators that few people recognize in themselves .
Ego - we can't let anybody, especially ourselves, think that we made the wrong decision. Especially the decision to have children because it changes everything and we wouldn't make a mistake with such an important decision. Men who can't stand being stuck with their wrong decision it leave physically or mentally. The other men convince themselves that the first eleven steps above are fulfilling even though the alternative (a freedom-filled life) are broadcast 24 hours a day on TV.
Child Prep 13. Sample the Destructive Powers of Childhood. Borrow a dozen baseballs from your little league coach friend. Put on any type of helmet. In the room with the most windows, turn the ceiling fan on high. If you don't have a lot of windows a glass front hutch holding fine china will work nicely. While protecting yourself as best you can (you will get better at this after your children become teenagers) throw each baseball at the spinning fan.
If all this reading has given you a headache, take two aspirin and do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Keep away from children." Well, that's what it says.
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For those parents who have been reading this web page I have a question: when you have driven for a while with a child in the car, don't you occasionally want to do this?
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Other sites to visit before giving away your freedom:
Baby Think It Over
http://btio.com
Childfree By Choice
http://now2000.com/cbc/
Planned Parenthood
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/
The Childfree Webring Homepage
http://www.fred.net/turtle/kids/ring.html
The Childfree Zone (Phoenix, AZ)
http://hometown.aol.com/childfreeaz/index.html
Childless By Choice
http://cottagesoft.com/~cynthia/essays/waterlil.htm
New Zealand Childfree Community
http://communities.msn.co.nz/Childfree/_whatsnew.msnw
No Kidding!
The international social club for childfree and childless couples and
singles
www.nokidding.net
To Breed or Not to Breed
http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC31/ToBreed.htm
World Overpopulation Awareness
http://www.overpopulation.org
Zero Population Growth
http://zpg.org/
Child Free Zone
Why more people are choosing not to be
parents.
They have written a book on the subject.
Their web site has stories from the book.
This is their very cool logo.
http://www.childfree.com.au/
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Alchemy | ** Alt. Cancer ** | Anti-Gravity | My Bio | Calif | Canada | Contact | Carpal Tunnel | Dogs | Gamma Bursts | Germany | Home | Having Children | Letters to Paul | Medical Madness | My House | My Garden | ** MY INTUITION BOOK ** | My UFO | News? | Okinawa | Peace | Philosophy | | Solar Wind Stopped | The Sun Freaks Out | Taiwan | The World